Episode 4 Content
20-something man exposes himself to two women on WSU campus
- The man is described as (insert description of Harrison here).
- The women described the man to a sketch artist (show OTS photo of Harrison with a “sketch” filter added to it) << I died laughing at this!
Seattle man says he threatened to assassinate the governor because aliens told him to.
- Clearly, he went to UW.
- I feel like a Men in Black joke could also be appropriate here (considering MIB 3 comes out in May).
Michelle Bachmann Piers Morgan battle it out.
Rush Limbaugh Losing sponsors over Anti-Female conversation. JOKE: Rush Limbaugh lost 2 mattress company sponsors. That’s probably not the first time a mattress has given out under pressure because of him.
The Romney’s on money…always an issue
Romney spoke to an empty stadium…or almost empty.
Tajikistan blocks Facebook for the entire country.
- All 8 Tajiki citizens were irate at the injustice.
- awww man, now what am I going to do while pretending to pay attention in class.
- Groups have popped up all over America to help Tajikistan, but without facebook access thay don’t know how to reach them.
- Joke #1: And, after several hours of intense labor, she broke her hip. Thank goodness she was already in a hospital!
- Joke #2: Just think of the bright future these kids have ahead of them! Weekend bingo matches, bran flakes for breakfast, and a nickel for their allowance!
- Avengers Assemble!!!!!
- Really? FBI Agents area dime a dozen. Why haven’t we invested this kind of money into finding “them all” (insert Pokemon OTS)
– Julia Roberts called a cougar…gets pissed. Julia, it’s better than being called Husky…run with it.
~ it’s a fat joke and a UW joke…all in one.
Kim Kardashian donates double the worth of wedding gifts to charity.
- So let me get this straight, Kim: you rake in almost 18 million dollars for your wedding to Kris Humphries, decide to divorce him 72 days later, and think you can convince us the whole thing wasn’t a scam by donating one percent of what you made off your wedding to charity?
- Joke #1: What is this guy thinking? Now he’s going to have to hear this from Snooki and a baby all day, every day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za5j43wXXNM I don’t think the “smushing” is worth it.
- Joke #2: Now this is what I call a “situation.” CUT TO 2-SHOT: Looks over at Harrison for positive feedback, who just shakes his head in disappointment. Could even get a boo from off screen
- If you are even considering watching this, please get help.
- This could be the longest 15-minute clock ever!
Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra sentenced to three years in prison for grand theft auto case
- Not sure if there is a joke here (considering I am borderline sports illiterate), but I’m seeing this story everywhere.
- Oh, did we say ‘star’ we meant ‘that guy who hit that one home run that one time’
- That happened to me once, but I just restarted myGrand Theft Auto game and shot the cops that tried to do it the next time.
- He competed in Curling… curling IRON… uhhhh ouch
- basketball players on drugs? no, never!
- Joke #1: Sounds like a program the Cougar football team should adopt. Maybe then we’ll actually win some games.
- Joke #2: BRETT: “This strategy is quickly being adopted by elementary school teams throughout the country, but given the financial state of public schools, players are instead being awarded extra recess time among other things. This makes me sick! Fifth graders should have more common sense than to stoop to the level of NFL players.” CUT TO 2-SHOT of Allison and Brett. ALLISON: “Oh please, I would lay your ass out for a gold star.” Brett looks terrified.
- Bret – “Harrison, weren’t you named after someone famous?”
Harrison – “Yeah, Harrison Ford, my Dad wanted me to grow up like Han Solo.”
Allison – “Yeah, and it worked out SO well…”
- He was going to team up with Kim Kardashian and donate a chunk of his signing bonus, but then he saw them in a store window and just HAD to have them!
Climate change may be an end for outdoor hockey
- Whatcha gonna do now, Canada?
- Something about this making the Canadian dentists and th Tooth Fairy worry about their job security.
Miley Cyrus doesn’t believe in Jesus!
- World’s most dangerous garage sale.
- Items to be auctioned: hair gel, water bottles, C4, hair spray, scissors, and John Grisham novels
- In an unrelated story, thousands of awkwardly desperate preteen girls have relocated from Forks, WA to Phoenix, AZ.
- Arizona is a hotbed of Vampire activity because its easy to blend in: EVERYONE DIES FROM SUN EXPOSURE DOWN THERE
http://geekout.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/01/run-for-your-lives/?hpt=hp_c2 Zombie 5k in Darlington, Maryland
- Harrison: Finally! A motivation for running!
- Allison: The health benefits aren’t enough for you huh?
- Harrison: I have better things to do… but this way I can practice for the Zombie Apocolypse! Ya know, from Zombieland, Cardio is rule number one!
- Allison: I don’t know why I ask…
Sexist laundry tag
- Attention men: if you say this to your woman, you will no longer have a woman.
Obese Man’s Emotional Plea
- Up next on the update: agoraphobic person goes on a hiking trip
- Who knew your could get famous from sitting on your butt (Mark Zuckerberg/any dotcom billonaire)
- The update would like to wish him well… also, watch out for wells.
Apple set to announce iPad 3 on Wednesday
- Supposed to have a better camera. The pictures will turn out better, but you’ll still look like an idiot taking them.
- also in style: owning a laptop.
- it also comes with a pretentiousness patch: now you can be even more condescending to your friends
- I just think this is hilarious. Could even be a green screen segment with our correspondent at the race?
- Allison: Apparently zombies are taking over Maryland. So we sent Senior Supernatural Correspondent Holly Taylor to find out more.Holly: (running) Hey guys
Allison: How’s it going Holly?
Holly: As you can see behind me Zombies have taken over Maryland. To understand the tragedy here, picture Running with the Bulls but…with zombies.
Allison: Well wait, how did this happen?
Holly: Good question Allison, The Walking Dead enthusiast Derrick Smith organized a zombie themed 5-K fun run complete with zombies, med packs and of course, the blood pit but things have gotten out of hand.
Allison: What’s the blood….what?
Holly: Ugh! A 20-foot wall covered in blood duh! Watch a zombie movie Allison! God where’s Harrison? He knows what I’m talking about.
Allison: But Holly, You’ve been out of studio for almost a week. Doesn’t a fun run last 4 hours.
Holly: Thank you for noticing Allison, what started out as a 4-hour fun-run has turned into a weeklong catastrophe. But this reporter’s been preparing for years. I pre-broke my heels, I pre-killed my cat and have emotionally disconnected myself from anyone I know so as to not get sentimental.
Allison: Didn’t you take a class W-S-U students with you?
Holly: Good Observation Allison, one smashed their finger so I left them behind. I don’t know what happened to the others. Better safe than sorry I always say. You see, the key surviving is not to outrun the zombies but to outrun the competition.
Allison: Are you the only one left?
Holly: Obviously you don’t know your fellow Comm students. They’re right behind me.
Allison: wait then whose filming?
Holly: Don’t ask stupid questions, Allison!
Allison: We wish you luck, Holly Taylor everyone. Stay tuned…….after the break
- Who needs a cupcake at 4 am?… Harrison does (stuffing his face with cupcakes)
- Her parents were initially upset, but then realized that instead of paying for child care, they can just stick her to the fridge whenever they need a babysitter.
- Yeah, have fun getting through airport security with that one, Mom and Dad.
- file footage from Willie E. Coyote?
- A new study from the security firm Trustwave has revealed that the most commonly used password is Pas– uhhh, wait, nevermind.
- A new study from the security firm Trustwave has revealed that the most commonly used password is Password1… Wait, NOOO!!! No I meant it is NOT Password1!
- You could even play off of Harrison freaking out at the end of Episode 2. Something like, ALLISON: “A new study from the security firm Trustwave has revealed that the most commonly used password is Password1. You’ve got to be kidding me, what kind of idiot has a password that simple?” CUT TO 2-SHOT: Harrison has his head in between his hands in despair. Can then recover in his one-shot.
- She’s the cool mom.
- We managed to get a quote from the mother. (Insert Amy Poehler Mean Girls clip here… here’s the scene from the movie, I was thinking starting at :14 could be funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB-j6oHiq_c could probably rip it from the DVD/online somewhere?)
- I like the cool mom comment better.
- Quote from one of the girls: “I hope your face hurts from when Iravia punched you…jerk. I’m serious. No, one of our girls ran up, Bam! Yeah. So I hope your face hurts. I hope it leaves a scar.”
- Joke ideas: What kind of badge they earned for that? The morals Girl Scouts are learning these days? Violent Girl Scouts?
- This could even be a funny green screen segment with Holly as the troop leader, defending Girl Scout violence when it comes to cookie thieves or something.
- We were talking about doing that quote for our moment out of context, but I couldn’t get the footage since it wasn’t on Youtube…maybe this week.
- Okay, so this story isn’t funny…but it could be.
- Hey kids, best of luck livin’ that one down. “Hey Mom, wanna give me a hand cleaning my room.” “Oh a hand, you want a hand, too bad I already gave you BOTH OF MY LEGS.” << I like this.
Parents leave 3 year old daughter at Chuck E. Cheese, find out on evening news
- Nice try guys.
- Hey, if I left Chuck E.Cheese and realized my kid was missing, I’d assume they fell in the ball pit. You don’t come back from that!
- possible candidates for research: Aliens, pirates, James cameron, Ras al-ghul, Cthulu, the flying dutchman, Giant japanese flying robots, mothra, godzilla, the perfect storm and oh yea, AN ICEBERG
- Science, we’re the opposite of helpful.
- Least helpful, marijuana…
- I was thinking maybe a break up scene…”you’re just not the same person anymore”…if we can find a clip with that…or something else…not really sure on this one.
- Harrison: Hey Allison, I actually went to the gym just before we started filming tonight, notice anything different about me?
- Allison: Yes, your ego is showing.